dating is a means to an end and that is a long-term relationship with someone
that will take a special place in the life of me and my children.
So far so obvious. Or maybe
not, because not everyone approaches dating with the same intention. Some people might not even be sure of their
intentions, whereas others may be single-mindedly clear in their intentions but
less than clear (read: honest) in expressing them.
the same things out of life – well, more or less anyway – is an important basis
for a successful relationship. And this
is one of the many hurdles to be cleared on the way to finding a successful
match. And a useful starting point is to
be honest about why you’re dating.
seems the potential for mixed messages is ever present. When trying to find a match online it never
failed to surprise me when women would highlight their intention as ‘casual
dating’ and/or ‘nothing serious’ – fair enough, we all know where we stand – accompanied
by a suggestive photograph – for example, lying on a bed in lingerie – and then
proceed to use the space given to describe themselves to state, in a very
no-nonsense manner, that they are not interested in one-night stands or men
that are only after one thing. Hmmmm, maybe
a little self-awareness wouldn’t go amiss.
why you’re dating we now consider what you’re looking for. When looking for dates online clearly looks
are an important factor. Some bemoan the
seeming ‘shallowness’ of discounting somebody based purely on looks and I am
more than aware of the fact that you can grow to find someone attractive over
time through getting to know their personality; many relationships begin this
way, indeed I’ve experienced this myself.
But it’s all
about the medium isn’t it? As far as I
can make out people don’t approach strangers in a bar with the thought, ‘well, I
don’t fancy her but if I get talking to her we might grow close due to
compatible personalities and we might end up as a couple in a year or so.’ Doesn’t happen. So it is with online dating,
if you don’t like the look of someone it’s a non-starter really.
As a man of 40+
(age, thankfully not waist size) there are certain things that are working in
my favour – I have my own hair that is wholly untainted by Just For Men (have a
word with yourself please Sir Paul McCartney), my own teeth – and all of them,
and I don’t look over 50. One would
think that these aren’t selling points but apparently on certain sites they
place you in the elite class of eligibility.
Add to that owning a house, a car and having a job and we’re talking top
percentile. Oh, and to really up the
ante let’s add in honest and normal (ok, normal is subjective and having read
my blog there may be certain dissenters on this point but what the hell I’m
running with it).
Go on Matty
lad – open goal!
not. And when hearing about the standard
of competition from those that are battling through their third and fourth
attempts at finding a decent guy online it can get a bit disheartening when
your attempts to find Miss Right are proving futile. I mean, it’s not even as if I’m one of those
that poses with fish or stunned tigers (apparently these people exist, and in
their multitudes) or my car (ok ok it’s because it’s a Corsa – give me a BMW
and that may change; along with the ability to use indicators and not drive
like an arse). And I have never sent a
picture of my chap.
going wrong? Maybe I’m just not cut out
for this internet dating, I do seem to be going against the grain if the above
is anything to go by. Or maybe it’s just
that I have been incredibly lucky in how I’ve met people in the past and
actually a series of disappointments and non-starters is a more realistic
representation of the single life. Maybe
a little perseverance is needed.
for now I need a break. Thankfully my
time on my lonesome isn’t difficult to fill now that I can use it to unload /
rant / whinge to my blog.
knows, maybe Miss Right will be reading this, that elusive lady that has spent
her whole life waiting for a nice, normal, decent guy that looks like Brian Cox
and has a past that includes mental illness and a failed marriage. ‘Matthew,
where have you been all my life?!?’
meantime it’s important to remember a few things. My brother has given me lots of good advice
including the need to avoid confusing boredom with loneliness. It’s important to spend time doing, or even
re-discovering, the things that you love and that fulfil you. The danger is that in running from loneliness
we may run into the wrong arms; as they say, the best things in life are
usually worth waiting for.
And in the
end, despite the disappointments we may experience along the way - as another
first date remains a first date, as your ex moves on and finds happiness
elsewhere – we mustn’t compromise ourselves by settling for less than we
deserve; by believing that being with anyone is better than being with no-one.
of who we meet along the way, we will always be with ourselves, and perhaps the
best thing we can do when we are single is to learn how to be truly happy by
ourselves, with ourselves, just as we are.
Soundtrack: Supersonic - Oasis
Labels: dating, divorce, internet dating, online dating, single life